Monday, September 12, 2011

Is she alright in there?

When I was pregnant I would often lay in bed all night without being able to sleep. During this time I developed a healthy addiction to Design Star and The Next Food Network Star which I haven't been able to shake. But one of things I remember the most was wondering; wondering who that little person was in my tummy and what the heck she was doing in there. Almost everyday I would ask Eliot, "Hey, you think she's alright in there?" He would always answer, "Yup!" I would ask him in the morning, afternoon and sometimes right in the middle of those sleepless nights and he would always mumble that same thing. 361 days later my mind wanders in different directions. This time wondering what she is trying to say when she says "YanYanYanYan." scrunches up her face and laughs. She is funny! I wonder what her voice will sound like when she puts together real sentences. She is the best parrot. Just this weekend she has said: gol, donde esta?, doggie, aqua, mickey, Go Gators and free Tibet.
at work at publix

grabbing a bike

Looking at so many pictures of her throughout her first year and seeing all her little changes. How her eyes are not quite blue but not quite brown either. How her big cheeks have grown out. How her big size 4 1/2 feet has done the same. How she throws a ball, kicks it and then chases it just to do it all over again filling her grandfathers' and father's eyes with hope of a soccer all star. She gives kisses and hugs and drags dolls all over the house filling her grandmothers' and mother's hearts with her compassion. This year has been so remarkable and we are so profoundly blessed.

I can not imagine loving anyone more than I love her. I can't imagine life without her. I fear sometimes that as we discuss the possibilities of having another little one. If I could love Lydia's sibling as much as I love her. It's a real fear. Is there enough of us to be able to parent another child as well? To give baby #2 the same amount of adoration as we give her? Is it the same love or does it change? And if it changes what would it be like? Would it take away from Lydia? Perhaps some of these fears stem from being a wonderfully adored only child that has a fantastic relationship with her parents and that has never wanted for anything, really, not even a sibling.  What if Lydia and her sibling are not close? How will this all effect her? It is possible that the preemptive worrying is in vain, but how could I not consider the possibilities?

No comments:

Post a Comment